Judy Gregerson

I haven't posted in a long time, mostly because I'm caught up with school work and life in general. We had a month or more of horrible weather, Christmas hit at the same time, then we had flooding and my property with a view of the valley became waterfront property. This morning there is snow. Interesting winter.

But I've been thinking some about a person's worth and value and how without knowing that you have worth or value, it is near impossible to make some of the changes in your life that you want because you just don't think you're worth it.

I'm being really honest here and I try to keep this blog real. That means revealing myself and the things I feel which, quite honestly, makes me very vulnerable, but I do it anyway. I think it's worth it.

But like I said, I'm trying to make some changes in my life and I've found it utterly impossible. The reason? I honestly, at the deepest level of my being, don't care. And why don't I care? Because I learned early in life that I don't matter. I'm not important. I have no value. Now, I know this is not so. I know this in my head but I'm trying to move that information from my head to my heart because until it reaches my heart, change isn't coming.

I am blocked. But I see the wall breaking down. And it's coming down because I have admitted that I don't care and I'm willing to revisit what it is that caused me not to care. When children are treated as if they don't matter, they grow into adults who believe they have no value. Look around you, the world is full of people like that. Sadly, we live in a culture that only applauds young, beautiful, thin people. The rest of us just aren't good enough and we learn it by the time we're five. And if we're girls, we learn is so well that it colors the rest of our life. And if we are not valued at home and we are not valued by our society, what value can we possibly have to ourselves?

And this is why I push through. I am not giving up. And I'm not saying that I don't believe that I have any value. I'm only talking about one area of my life where I feel worthless. This is an area I am going to change and I'm going to change it by talking about it and examining it and re-evaluating how I feel about myself. I am not going to settle for anything less than the best.